Menopause..The New Frontier


I HATE EVE….I HATE THAT EVE ATE THAT APPLE…..because she couldn’t behave, we women have been “cursed” from about age 12 on through ????? who knows what age.  I am going to embarrass myself in this blog, but I will only speak the truth.  There will be many many women who will read this, and nod their heads, and share in my trials of this affliction that is referred to as menopause.  The other day I was skillfully applying my moisturizer, and then my under eye serum, and then my foundation…etc…and I noticed a stray hair growing out of my right nostril.  Where in the world did that come from and how long has it been there?  Did anyone notice it and they were being polite enough to not point it out?  I knew now that since I was aware of it, that it had to go.  It is 5 am and I am searching for scissors in my bathroom…of course, none there….I am sure they are in the den with a new art project that Madison is working on.  In desperation I reach for the nearest “weapon”….a tweezers.  I have to work at this without my glasses, because my eyes have changed and I can’t see close up with them, so after much work, and many misses….I finally get the bugger.  HOLY TEAR JERKER…..that thing was wrapped around my right eye-ball, I swear.  So I stop crying, compose myself, and continue onto work.  Several days later, I am again checking my nose, up close and personal, and I turn my head ever so slightly so the light hits the side of my face and there was a mass of peach fuzz….with a matching mass of fuzz on the other cheek, like when my son had when he was hitting puberty. When in this world did this happen? and what in the world does a woman do about it?

I remember laughing at a fellow nurse when she would have hot flashes and her glasses would fog up…shame on me…karma can be cruel….It seems that I can be cruising through the day and all of a sudden I go from 98.7 degrees to 4,999 degrees in one minute.  Its like someone lit a bonfire in my belly and whoosh….up through my body and on out my ears.  Still not sure if I have hot flashes at night, cause my sleep is so interrupted from having to flip from side to side, because my hips and shoulders hurt if I remain in one position too long.  I went to apply eye shadow before our last girls night out, taking my time to get it ever so pretty….only to look at my reflection and realize the extra skin on my upper lids had literally hidden the eye shadow….what a cruel cruel joke!  I try to carry on a conversation with someone and I lose track of my thoughts, along with the elusive common words that just go out of your head mid-sentence.  All of the sudden you can’t remember someones name, even someone close to you like your children….but never fear, 10 hours later, that common word will pop up into your head in the middle of the night (when you are flipping for the 4th time).  There are many stray hairs in the bathroom after the blow dry, and the “fine textured” hair,  has now become “super fine textured” hair….forget the dirty word…”thinning”.   So now you are losing hair where it should be, and gaining hair where it shouldn’t…hmmmmmm…….again, karma.  The last time Cindy, my beautician waxed my eyebrows, she wiggled the strip with the extra hairs on it and it resembled a catepillar….my goodness!

My mom, who was a beautiful woman, reached the age where the skin between your chin and your mid-neck, began to sag.   She took great care in her beauty routine and was always presentable, no matter what time of the day it was.  Kelly, who didn’t know a beauty routine from a dance routine, reached out and gave that wobbly area on moms neck a little tickle and said “Gobble gobble”….Not a wise thing to do….because menopause was not kind to mom either.  Lets just say, Kelly learned right then to never do that to mom again.  Now that I am that age, with the same messed up hormones, I am surprised that mom didn’t put her up for adoption (since murder was illegal)

So we won’t even mention the dry alligator skin, having to take off your glasses to use the computer, getting up from a chair and doing the hunched over, small step, walk for about 10 feet, the puffy feet at the end of the day, the tears one moment and then raging anger the next, followed by loving kindness, the body parts heading south, and the sheets flapping on and off during the night, as if they were on a clothes line on a breezy summer day.  But, on the plus side…I find I am the most comfortable in my body than I have ever been.  This is me, hot flashes, severe mood swings, excess hair, droopy eye lids, saggy lady parts  and everything else that comes along with being over 50.  But I don’t care…I was blessed this morning that God allowed me to wake up to see another sunrise and sunset, and I will just look at this as another adventure in life…so…Thank You Eve!


I was trying to figure out which recipe would go with menopause and all I could think of were “comfort foods”

I will call this: Menopausal Heaven

2 rolls of canned biscuits

Sugar and Cinnamon mix

1 stick of Margarine

1/2 cup chopped pecans

Maple syrup

Lightly spray a bundt pan with Pam

Melt margarine in a bowl in the microwave *cover the bowl to prevent messing up the microwave

Place the sugar and cinnamon mixture in another bowl

Cut each biscuit into fourths

Set up an assembly line biscuits, melted oleo, sugar mixture and bundt pan.

Dip biscuits into margarine, then roll them in sugar mixture and begin loosely placing in bundt pan.

One in a while, sprinkle in some nuts.

Keep layering until the biscuits are all in the pan

Take the maple syrup and drizzle about 1/2 to 1 cup on top the biscuits.

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for about 20-30 minutes or until the top biscuits are golden brown.

Gently pull away some biscuits to be sure the others are baked and not raw.

Invert the bundt pan onto the cookie sheet, and carefully pull the bundt pan off, leaving a beautiful, comforting pile of goodness..

If it is a really bad month…add an extra can of  sugared biscuits to the bundt pan….♥


6 responses to “Menopause..The New Frontier

  1. Shelly,
    You had me rolling with this one! Thank you for putting things into words. The vision of Kelly and your mom took me back like I was there. I think how I used to tease my poor mom about her stomach and rear being reversed and oh how right you are, things certainly come back to haunt one!:) I am not going to make the rolls but that pie from yesterday is on my list!

    • OMG Trish…I just laughed out loud at your comment about your moms stomach and rear being reversed…..that sounds like something Kelly would say…thanks for making me laugh!
      PS: your momma was a special lady too….

  2. Shelly, I laughed out loud at this blog masterpiece! And cringed at the tweezer episode with the nose hair. OUCH! My sisters and I call this time of hot-flashes our “Personal Summers”. 🙂

  3. You always were funny, Shelly, but you are also a gifted and talented comedic writer! Unfortunately, I can relate all too well, but it is nice knowing we’re not alone.
    I remember Tricia’s comment to our mom. Is it any wonder she and Kelly were best friends? Ellie Nolan visited Mom years ago with Nancy’s daughter, about four at the time, and the little girl came up with a comment that trumped Tricia’s. She was sitting next to Mom and looked up and asked her if she had three chins! I’m not sure Mom ever forgave the poor child!

    • Thank you for the compliment about my writing…even though I can’t tell a verb from a noun…but it just seems to flow from my head to my fingers…and I am loving it. I secretly hope to get a huge following…hehehehe…and I am sure your mom took her comment in stride…I loved coming over to your house…she was so cool and different…good memories

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