Stupid Cupid

As I said in my earlier blog, internet dating has become the new way to meet men.  I avoided it like the plaque, reasoning when the time is right, God will put the right man in my life.  After much insistence from a co-worker I decided to give it a try for 6 months.  So in January of this year I began a new adventure, filled with hope and determination.  First off, where do you start?  I had watched all of the commercials where a beautiful woman meets a handsome man in a dimly lit bar, they talk and laugh and have a great time and apparently live happily ever after.  The first decision to be made was which site to choose and being the tight wad I am, I chose a free one.  I should have stopped at the question “Do you own your own car?”  That did make a few bells and whistles go off in my head.  Really, doesn’t everyone in rural Illinois have a car? Not to be deterred, I push on and began the profile builder that involved describing myself.   Now, I am not what you would call a beauty, but I also have never caused a man to throw up after setting eyes on me.  I could be described as “fluffy” or when I was a child I was “big-boned”, so I wasn’t really sure how to describe myself truthfully.  My choices were 1. Athletic (snicker) 2. A few extra pounds (does that mean on a certain part of the body or all over?)  or  3. Big and beautiful.  Gheese….those were my choices???  Not ” pleasantly plump” or “kinda large torso with chicken legs”, or my favorite “more to love”?  Of course you can’t skip over it and leave it blank, figuring it would be a crap shoot for the man.  So I fibbed and put “a few extra pounds” telling myself  I would play dumb if I actually met a man and was caught in my fib.

I then filled out the rest of the profile information which involved my career, birth order, yearly income, and that most pressing question about owning my own car. I then downloaded a recent picture of myself, hit send and waited.  While you are waiting you are free to peruse the profiles of those you might be interested in.  Sounds exciting……hmmmm…….all I can say is  wowza…….There are pictures from the 70’s through the 2012’s….and spelling that would make a 3rd grade teacher cringe.  Now without spell check I would get a “D”, but live on the edge and use spell check for heavens sake.  There was also a common theme:   3/4 of the men my age (50’s) had their photos taken with them on a Harley.  Plus please  get someone to take your picture.  Honestly one more picture of a shirtless man, belly hanging over the belt, taking his picture in the bathroom mirror is one too many.  Who ever decided that was a sexy way to take your picture?  Half of the time they are so concentrated on taking the picture, their tongue is protruding ever so slightly and who knows where the smile is.  Then there are those who smile and really shouldn’t, if you know what I mean.  Don’t get me wrong, my plus size self loves a big man….they are my favorites to say the least, but save the belly shot for when we are alone and there’s been some wine flowing.

My first message came within the first hour.  It was a man in blue jeans and dirty t-shirt holding up a big fish and his message was “Hey wanna get naked?”  Thank you sir for having your shirt on, but  I figured maybe I would be offered  a glass of wine first?  Another memorable one was an older man bragging about being retired,  living on social security and needing a woman to drive him to his doctors appointments. As enticing as that was, I needed to say no thank you and check please…..

Coming up…cupid goes Christian.

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